Broken Promises

Broken Promises

Three years ago we promised each other a lot of things. The main thing we promised was forever & always. How am I supposed to keep my promise of forever if you can’t keep your promises of the other things.

How dare you. I am always here no matter what I’m doing or where I am. You never talked to me about it. You never gave me a chance. They  “understand” is a bullshit reason. You admit to looking for the attention. Because why? Because mine isn’t enough. You don’t want it.

Again. This has happened again. The first time I accepted your apology, but asked for you to be more open. I don’t care if you have friends that are girls, but the fact that they remain hidden until I accidentally find out, no sir. It’s not that you talk to other girls. It’s really not. It is the conversations you have with them. There are friendly ones and non-friendly ones. Then there are the ones where you complain about your wife, birth control and condoms, and ones that you talk and vent about wanting to die. You have a great life and need to stop pitying yourself.  With that, I guess the cuts on your arm are not from the dog. Another lie. I don’t even need to go into why the other two topics are a no-go.

Does all this mean you don’t trust me? Or that you don’t want to talk to me? I mean for goodness sake I am your wife and supposed to be your person. I guess that means you want more than me. Is one not enough? Also, is there more that I don’t know about? 

I go through the pros and cons of being with you. I’m struggling. Having them written out in front of me is a sad, sad thing. It’s all facts, no feelings. One outweighs the other by a lot. All I’m doing is staring at it so far.

I’ve asked you away for a few days, so that I can think clear minded. It’s hard to think so in depth of everything with you sitting in the same room or even the same house. I needed you to leave. Give me time and space. You did as I asked except for the whole not texting thing. You broke it last night and again this morning. You can’t even be respectful for the things that I ask. You didn’t even make it 12 hours. You are very, very good at texting the right things to say, but are very bad at doing the said things.

I’m tired of waiting. I’m done fighting for you and your attention. I’m sorry that you think that I’m not here for you in every way that I really am.

I don’t think there are any promises anymore. 

Time for Honesty

Time for Honesty

It has been a rough & busy few months, but I’m back in action doing what is good for the soul! 

I did find a job in December. As of yesterday I got my license as a pharmacy technician! Two months in & still a hell of a lot to learn. It has definitely been interesting, but I do like it. One day is not like another. When I was hired, they had just bought out two other pharmacies. That is a crap ton of people to take on. Another thing is that we are currently short staffed. Fortunately, I do like everyone that I work with. They are nice & definitely helping me learn everything, well at least the basics for now. 

After getting the ‘having a new job’ in routine, it was time for me to start working on the next hurdle I had to face. It is a scary one, but it is the one thing standing in my way of complete happiness. It is something I have zero experience with & in no way was ever prepared for such. Hell, I am not even comfortable talking about it. I am not sure how to say it other than being blunt. 

Falling in love is easy. Marrying said person is easy. What happens when that love starts to fade right before your eyes? There is no ‘how to’ or rule book to help. You marry a person because you love and accept them as a whole. What happens when that person starts changing, but not changing in a good way? What happens when you start losing that person you are in love with?

First, it takes being honest with yourself. It was not at all easy to think about, but I needed to be able to pinpoint when & how it started happening. Yes, I had kept quiet trying to put together my thoughts & feelings. I did not want to hurt him. I was holding out hope for what I was thinking at the time was a ‘phase’. I was not facing reality, my reality. I was scared & I still am. Little by little I started to put the pieces in my mind together, but this puzzle is no where near complete. I finally began to be honest with not only myself, but the one person it pertains to.

As I started putting the pieces together, I was open to him about it. It was so damn hard & heartbreaking to say out loud. Honesty is the best thing I could give. Over time, I have felt like I lost the man that I fell in love with. Some people change, yes, but how do you confront the ones that have changed for the worst. Over the past month or so, there have been countless words, tears, & fights. It sucks for sure, but tiptoeing & silence would be getting us no where. I try to give time & space, but how long am I going to continue to be unhappy. I can only take so much of the silence. That is basically not responding to anything so that we can improve. With no sign of change, I have definitely asked if this was a thing that he even wanted to work on. Of course, the answer was yes, but it was and still is so hard to believe when nothing has changed. It becomes hard to focus on anything. It is also awkward when we are both home together, but it does not feel like we are together at all. Sometimes I just do not know what to do, or say. With my new job, I work varying hours, so there are days when we really only get a glimpse of each other. When we do get that time together, I think it is a great opportunity to talk & work on us.

No one wants confrontation, but the act of communicating is needed. It does not have to turn into a fight every single time. The thing is, it just gets so frustrating while facing facts. More so when the other person does not see or understand your side of things. Communication is where we have always flawed. I have been working on that more than anything, so that my actions & feelings are expressed thoroughly.

I am done hiding. I am trying & I am not one to give up until I have tried everything. The thing is, I cannot be the only one. It is kind of like I am in the middle of a dark forest. I have no idea what lies in front of me, but I have to keep moving to survive. Unfortunately, it feels like I am running on cruise control because the fight has brought me so down. How many more options do I have? How much longer do I have to wait for answers? Checking out has never been something I wanted to do, but what can you do when you have exhausted yourself?

Cheers to holding on to your fight!