Time for Honesty

It has been a rough & busy few months, but I’m back in action doing what is good for the soul! 

I did find a job in December. As of yesterday I got my license as a pharmacy technician! Two months in & still a hell of a lot to learn. It has definitely been interesting, but I do like it. One day is not like another. When I was hired, they had just bought out two other pharmacies. That is a crap ton of people to take on. Another thing is that we are currently short staffed. Fortunately, I do like everyone that I work with. They are nice & definitely helping me learn everything, well at least the basics for now. 

After getting the ‘having a new job’ in routine, it was time for me to start working on the next hurdle I had to face. It is a scary one, but it is the one thing standing in my way of complete happiness. It is something I have zero experience with & in no way was ever prepared for such. Hell, I am not even comfortable talking about it. I am not sure how to say it other than being blunt. 

Falling in love is easy. Marrying said person is easy. What happens when that love starts to fade right before your eyes? There is no ‘how to’ or rule book to help. You marry a person because you love and accept them as a whole. What happens when that person starts changing, but not changing in a good way? What happens when you start losing that person you are in love with?

First, it takes being honest with yourself. It was not at all easy to think about, but I needed to be able to pinpoint when & how it started happening. Yes, I had kept quiet trying to put together my thoughts & feelings. I did not want to hurt him. I was holding out hope for what I was thinking at the time was a ‘phase’. I was not facing reality, my reality. I was scared & I still am. Little by little I started to put the pieces in my mind together, but this puzzle is no where near complete. I finally began to be honest with not only myself, but the one person it pertains to.

As I started putting the pieces together, I was open to him about it. It was so damn hard & heartbreaking to say out loud. Honesty is the best thing I could give. Over time, I have felt like I lost the man that I fell in love with. Some people change, yes, but how do you confront the ones that have changed for the worst. Over the past month or so, there have been countless words, tears, & fights. It sucks for sure, but tiptoeing & silence would be getting us no where. I try to give time & space, but how long am I going to continue to be unhappy. I can only take so much of the silence. That is basically not responding to anything so that we can improve. With no sign of change, I have definitely asked if this was a thing that he even wanted to work on. Of course, the answer was yes, but it was and still is so hard to believe when nothing has changed. It becomes hard to focus on anything. It is also awkward when we are both home together, but it does not feel like we are together at all. Sometimes I just do not know what to do, or say. With my new job, I work varying hours, so there are days when we really only get a glimpse of each other. When we do get that time together, I think it is a great opportunity to talk & work on us.

No one wants confrontation, but the act of communicating is needed. It does not have to turn into a fight every single time. The thing is, it just gets so frustrating while facing facts. More so when the other person does not see or understand your side of things. Communication is where we have always flawed. I have been working on that more than anything, so that my actions & feelings are expressed thoroughly.

I am done hiding. I am trying & I am not one to give up until I have tried everything. The thing is, I cannot be the only one. It is kind of like I am in the middle of a dark forest. I have no idea what lies in front of me, but I have to keep moving to survive. Unfortunately, it feels like I am running on cruise control because the fight has brought me so down. How many more options do I have? How much longer do I have to wait for answers? Checking out has never been something I wanted to do, but what can you do when you have exhausted yourself?

Cheers to holding on to your fight!

XOXO

 

The Unmotivated

“Failure will never overtake me if my determination to succeed is strong enough.”                                                       Og Mandino

I haven’t felt completely like myself lately. I haven’t posted or really even written anything in awhile. It’s really weird & I guess I just haven’t felt like it. There’s been nothing major happening or I just haven’t been inspired or motivated enough. 

One thing that mom has always told me is to never lose myself. These past couple weeks, I’m pretty sure I have lost something in myself. I’ve gone back & forth with being depressed. Probably because I have no real responsibilities. I am also not sleeping great. I’m up until the A.M. & only sleep for about 4 hours. It’s like my mind is shut off, but also on full power at the same time. Yoga also is not apart of my daily routine right now. I mean it was something I was super pumped about bringing back into my life, & I just stopped. If you were to ask me why, I would not have an answer. I really don’t because I’ve been asking myself that question & trying to figure out how to get back to me. It feels like I’m giving up at times & at others I’m fighting like hell. 

I have been jobless for over a month now. Still nothing. I am officially resorting to apply anywhere. I honestly just need to start earning money. I think the fact that I don’t have a job or that no one has hired me is hitting me hard. I mean it makes sense. This is not making me feel great about myself. It’s bad for the ego here, people. Sometimes it makes me think that I am not good enough or qualified enough to even answer phones. Deep down I know that I can do it & I am a great employee. I guess I’m just waiting for someone else to think/see that, too. 

This is all effecting me in not only a job sense, but in a personal sense. I cannot get myself motivated to anything at all. I mean lately I’d rather sit on the couch & watch Netflix all day. Binge watching chick flicks or continuing watching Grey’s Anatomy for the fifth time. So I tell myself that if I accomplish at least one thing per day then I’m still okay. Even if that includes just cooking dinner. As the days go on, I’m struggling with just doing that. I tell myself that I am more than this, that I am better than this, but it’s all just words in my head. I want to think that there’s some secret lesson in this. Unfortunately, I am just not seeing it.

I need to find my motivation again. I am determined to find it again. It is hard now & it is going to continue to be hard, but eventually I will be my 100% self again.

Cheers to being determined!

XOXO