The Secret I Keep

The Secret I Keep

Daddy issues. It’s what I’ve always said I had. My father & I’s relationship has always been rocky for years & years now. A few months ago when I was all dark & felt like I had no family to turn to, I reached out to him with a phone call. I let him in on my news of divorce. It was instantly like there wasn’t a moment of time where he wasn’t present. We had made plans & I drove one Saturday to go see him. I was nervous as hell. It had been so long since we’ve seen each other. We started talking about my situation which let to his story about his & mom’s divorce. I know there’s two sides to every story, but I was not expecting what his was. I asked more questions & learned why he made the choices he did. That it was all for the best of me & he was hurt too. To say that I went years with not so nice feelings toward him is an understatement. Hell, I used to refer to him as my sperm donor. I didn’t have him walk me down the aisle. He never knew the good things. Where I lived. Where I worked. How I was doing. Now the game has changed. I check in more. Keep him updated. Ask him how he’s doing. It hurt me a lot after that day because all I could do was thing about the things he has missed.

Then there’s the other thing. Why was I told something different over the years? Why was I lied to? I understand on his part because I wasn’t ready. I was not ready to know & understand. To actually take the time to recognize the truth. He let me believe her all these years. And that one day I would be ready to know the dark truths. I came to understand mom’s side too. She wanted her kids on her side. I don’t fault her. Of course I was pissed, but after lots of thinking on it, I get it. I do want to tell my brother. I know that he isn’t ready & won’t give it a chance or thought. Just like I wasn’t. My mom is his world. I won’t tell mom because I don’t want her to think that I’m ‘switching sides’. I don’t want to hurt her feelings.

I was always told to make sure I was happy with the way things are in case I was never given another opportunity. I always knew it didn’t feel right. So when I was ready for it, I took the chance. I do not regret my choice, but I do wish that I could share it.

xoxo

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