“Failure will never overtake me if my determination to succeed is strong enough.” Og Mandino
I haven’t felt completely like myself lately. I haven’t posted or really even written anything in awhile. It’s really weird & I guess I just haven’t felt like it. There’s been nothing major happening or I just haven’t been inspired or motivated enough.
One thing that mom has always told me is to never lose myself. These past couple weeks, I’m pretty sure I have lost something in myself. I’ve gone back & forth with being depressed. Probably because I have no real responsibilities. I am also not sleeping great. I’m up until the A.M. & only sleep for about 4 hours. It’s like my mind is shut off, but also on full power at the same time. Yoga also is not apart of my daily routine right now. I mean it was something I was super pumped about bringing back into my life, & I just stopped. If you were to ask me why, I would not have an answer. I really don’t because I’ve been asking myself that question & trying to figure out how to get back to me. It feels like I’m giving up at times & at others I’m fighting like hell.
I have been jobless for over a month now. Still nothing. I am officially resorting to apply anywhere. I honestly just need to start earning money. I think the fact that I don’t have a job or that no one has hired me is hitting me hard. I mean it makes sense. This is not making me feel great about myself. It’s bad for the ego here, people. Sometimes it makes me think that I am not good enough or qualified enough to even answer phones. Deep down I know that I can do it & I am a great employee. I guess I’m just waiting for someone else to think/see that, too.
This is all effecting me in not only a job sense, but in a personal sense. I cannot get myself motivated to anything at all. I mean lately I’d rather sit on the couch & watch Netflix all day. Binge watching chick flicks or continuing watching Grey’s Anatomy for the fifth time. So I tell myself that if I accomplish at least one thing per day then I’m still okay. Even if that includes just cooking dinner. As the days go on, I’m struggling with just doing that. I tell myself that I am more than this, that I am better than this, but it’s all just words in my head. I want to think that there’s some secret lesson in this. Unfortunately, I am just not seeing it.
I need to find my motivation again. I am determined to find it again. It is hard now & it is going to continue to be hard, but eventually I will be my 100% self again.