The Toss Up

The Toss Up

To be nervous or not to be nervous? My thought process every time I agree to go on an outing with my father. I only see & hear from him every so often when he wants something. This time, my aunt 7 uncle were in town for the night. They wanted to do dinner & catch up. It has been over a year since I’ve seen them. As usual, my father had texted me 24 hours beforehand to ask/let me know. Yes, it’s very annoying. Unfortunately, it’s something I’m used to. 

In 99% of the visits it’s either a good or bad visit. I either come out breathing normally or I’m crying. When it’s bad I always call my mom. Who else is going to understand my father & his asshole ways. When there are the good visits (very rare) they take me by surprise. My thoughts are like hmm why does this have to be so difficult. 

My father & I’s relationship is complicated. When I was young, I was daddy’s little girl. After my parents got divorced I remember the change in him. My brother & I lived with mom & then spent after school to evenings with dad. Dad, of course, hated that & that’s when he started being hateful. He started working 3 jobs, so when Andy & I went over every other weekend we would have to go with him. He got angry so easily & that didn’t sit well with me. It was all about him. Not always did he act like a father. As we got older it became more & more clear: Andy & I were a burden. If he didn’t have to pay for us then he wouldn’t have to work 3 jobs. Blah, blah, blah. After a ling while of becoming distant, being close with mom, & just being tired of all the disappointment, I decided it was best for me to no longer to see him.

At the age of 12, in Tennessee, you become able to decide for yourself. If you want to keep everything the same, chose to live with the other parent, or not to see one at all. It was in high school that I decided what was best for me. It was rough for me, and he was very angry. He never understood why, so he just blames it on mom. Since then, our visits/conversation have been tense. It has turned into that I only see him about twice a year. Honestly, that’s okay with me. I controlled when I saw him. Everything, though, it’s like what is he going to say & ask. Who is he going to talk shit about this time. I may be in control of when I saw him, but not what was talked about. Recently, (and when I say recently I mean in the last 2 years when I have seen him) it’s been all about him. Sure the question ‘how are you’ came up, but nothing more. Man, I cannot understand how a person can just talk about themselves for so freaking long.

He was so not accepting when Tyler & I told him we were getting married. We had my mom’s blessing & that was all that mattered. When we told father dearest the news, he said “no.” Who was he to say anything at all? He also thought he was walking me down the aisle. That was my turn to say “no.” More like hell no. Don’t worry, my mom had that covered for me. Talk about a father being pissed. Ha definitely. That’s how delusional he is.

It was nice having other people there this time. We met at the mall food court. it was all small talk. No super serious conversation. There was talk of family & how everyone was doing. It was nice. They started talking about insurance. That’s when a comment happened. Dad said “oh yeah I’ve got to talk to you about that.” Insert my eye roll. Thankfully my uncle just kept going on with what he was saying. It wouldn’t be the first time my father wanted to talk to me about insurance. He’s never wanted to cover Andy or I. Especially now that we are both adults. Little does he know that I quit my job & no longer have my own, so he’s definitely not getting out of it. It was not information that he needed to know. Plus, I did not need a speech from him. Not his place. There’s no telling when he’s actually going to bring that back up. Guess I’ll just wait & see. We all said our goodbyes & see you laters. We ended & went our separate ways.

Cheers to sucky fathers!



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