“I told you I’d move on. I told you I’d let go someday. Honestly, it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but it was worth it. For me, for my heart. You hurt me so bad. You killed my trust, you changed me. I knew I could be strong enough to let you go. I knew it & I did it. I can’t explain how proud I am. Because I’m the only one who knows how much you hurt me. But here I am now, healing. We may love the wrong person, cry for the wrong person, but one thing is for sure, mistakes will help us find the right person someday. “
That spoke right to me. These words are my feelings that I could never form. It was today of all days that I really needed to see & read these very words. As emotional & in my head that I was today, it was while reading those exact words that I could finally take a full breath. A tiny grin formed on my face & I regained hope for my healing. I know that I can’t give up. Don’t worry, I am not. The hope got lost in all the thoughts & memories that were swimming around in my head. I have reread it umpteenth times throughout the day. Reminding myself of the beautiful words I had discovered.
Thank you to the unknown who wrote them. Thank you for all the people it went through to get into my sights.
Daddy issues. It’s what I’ve always said I had. My father & I’s relationship has always been rocky for years & years now. A few months ago when I was all dark & felt like I had no family to turn to, I reached out to him with a phone call. I let him in on my news of divorce. It was instantly like there wasn’t a moment of time where he wasn’t present. We had made plans & I drove one Saturday to go see him. I was nervous as hell. It had been so long since we’ve seen each other. We started talking about my situation which let to his story about his & mom’s divorce. I know there’s two sides to every story, but I was not expecting what his was. I asked more questions & learned why he made the choices he did. That it was all for the best of me & he was hurt too. To say that I went years with not so nice feelings toward him is an understatement. Hell, I used to refer to him as my sperm donor. I didn’t have him walk me down the aisle. He never knew the good things. Where I lived. Where I worked. How I was doing. Now the game has changed. I check in more. Keep him updated. Ask him how he’s doing. It hurt me a lot after that day because all I could do was thing about the things he has missed.
Then there’s the other thing. Why was I told something different over the years? Why was I lied to? I understand on his part because I wasn’t ready. I was not ready to know & understand. To actually take the time to recognize the truth. He let me believe her all these years. And that one day I would be ready to know the dark truths. I came to understand mom’s side too. She wanted her kids on her side. I don’t fault her. Of course I was pissed, but after lots of thinking on it, I get it. I do want to tell my brother. I know that he isn’t ready & won’t give it a chance or thought. Just like I wasn’t. My mom is his world. I won’t tell mom because I don’t want her to think that I’m ‘switching sides’. I don’t want to hurt her feelings.
I was always told to make sure I was happy with the way things are in case I was never given another opportunity. I always knew it didn’t feel right. So when I was ready for it, I took the chance. I do not regret my choice, but I do wish that I could share it.
As a newly divorcee, I would just like to say how refreshing life can be. Like a weight has been lifted & I can breathe again. Like holy shit it’s unbelievable. I’m sorry to all the people who promised me that I would feel better when all of this was over. I can honestly say that I did not believe you whatsoever & may have told you to “fuck off” in my head. I can smile & it not feel forced. I can laugh & it actually be genuine & real.
The other day one of my coworkers asked what was wrong with me. I was confused since I was just laughing & carrying on with another coworker. She saw my confusion & said that I seem different. That actually made me giggle. “This is the real me. Happy. The girl you met & have known was someone who was sad & lost. No worries, I’m back & this is me!” was my response. I don’t think that I’ve ever been so proud of myself for saying such a truthful fact.
It has been a long journey finding myself. It’s crazy the moment I became whole again. It was like a damn revelation! The feeling hit me full force when I awoke that day. Pure happiness. Now just to embrace it & let the world see!
It’s crazy how much your life can change in the span of a year.
As I turn 25 tomorrow, I am thinking back to the past year. What has happened, where I am, and planning my next steps. I am currently in the final stage of my divorce, living with a friend, and am officially relying on just me. With all going on in my personal life, I have been keeping up and moving forward at work and taking on more responsibility. I have done probably way too much thinking over the months. All things being between grieving the loss of the life I had, figuring out how to do things, and relearning who I am.
It was my choice for everything and I will never regret that. I feel like I’ve done the right things at the right times no matter what anyone else thinks. I know how I wanted to handle it. Everything is ending on a good note. The choices that I have and am making recently are what I feel is best for me. Because that’s what I am doing, putting me and what I want first. Finally. And it feels amazing.
Don’t get me wrong, there has been many, many tears and lots of anger, but in the end I know it will be okay. Especially now, the worst is over. Now all I have to do is ride out the rest until I get myself back on my feet. I bombarded myself with too much too fast in the beginning trying to speed everything up as fast as possible, but it was just way too much for me to handle. It was not doing anyone any good. I used to cry everyday being scared & unsure of what to do or how to be. I was a mess. Like legit. I did good to hold myself together for the span of my work shift. Thank goodness I had people here for me throughout everything. Especially my Pharm Fam. They accepted my work breakdowns. They provided shoulders to cry on & people to vent to and get advice from. One of them was even willing to take me in and let me stay with them. And that’s where I’ve been the past couple months & intend to stay until I get my bearings straight with money.
Some days are still hard the more thinking that I do. I think back on the past & choices. I get real in my head about it all until it drives me crazy. It feels like I really am in full control of my life again. I can actually say that I truly am happy. It has been a long time. I am very positive & determined to make my life me again.
Three years ago we promised each other a lot of things. The main thing we promised was forever & always. How am I supposed to keep my promise of forever if you can’t keep your promises of the other things.
How dare you. I am always here no matter what I’m doing or where I am. You never talked to me about it. You never gave me a chance. They “understand” is a bullshit reason. You admit to looking for the attention. Because why? Because mine isn’t enough. You don’t want it.
Again. This has happened again. The first time I accepted your apology, but asked for you to be more open. I don’t care if you have friends that are girls, but the fact that they remain hidden until I accidentally find out, no sir. It’s not that you talk to other girls. It’s really not. It is the conversations you have with them. There are friendly ones and non-friendly ones. Then there are the ones where you complain about your wife, birth control and condoms, and ones that you talk and vent about wanting to die. You have a great life and need to stop pitying yourself. With that, I guess the cuts on your arm are not from the dog. Another lie. I don’t even need to go into why the other two topics are a no-go.
Does all this mean you don’t trust me? Or that you don’t want to talk to me? I mean for goodness sake I am your wife and supposed to be your person. I guess that means you want more than me. Is one not enough? Also, is there more that I don’t know about?
I go through the pros and cons of being with you. I’m struggling. Having them written out in front of me is a sad, sad thing. It’s all facts, no feelings. One outweighs the other by a lot. All I’m doing is staring at it so far.
I’ve asked you away for a few days, so that I can think clear minded. It’s hard to think so in depth of everything with you sitting in the same room or even the same house. I needed you to leave. Give me time and space. You did as I asked except for the whole not texting thing. You broke it last night and again this morning. You can’t even be respectful for the things that I ask. You didn’t even make it 12 hours. You are very, very good at texting the right things to say, but are very bad at doing the said things.
I’m tired of waiting. I’m done fighting for you and your attention. I’m sorry that you think that I’m not here for you in every way that I really am.
I am trying with everything I have to keep myself together. I am a mess. I’ve got too much on my plate & each day more shit gets added on. This girl cannot handle much more. I am trying not to go all dark and twisty, but it is becoming too hard. Anxiety has taken over. I can’t keep food down, have a good nights sleep, or even shop these damn shakes. I even have a rash for goodness sake. I need a breather from everything and everyone. I can’t even keep myself composed long enough to work. I can’t stop crying. I want to run and hide. I have a million thoughts or none at all. Legit all over the place. I have no idea what to do or how to do it. I am terrified.
He doesn’t care. He isn’t listening. He is oblivious to the problems. When I point them out, he just stares. Clueless. He has said & done unforgiving things. I have asked for things to be done in order for me to continue, but nothing has been done. I just don’t know.
She isn’t here for me. She is my number one. She has seen me. I told her I deed her while I cried in her arms. She responds with “We have to go.” Sometimes a girl needs her mom. This past weekend, I needed mine. Of course, she was too busy. Something happened/happening to me & she has no idea. She hasn’t given me the chance. When I finally hear from her, it is just to see if I have plans this weekend so I could come celebrate her boyfriend’s birthday. No. Just no.
The two people who know me the best in this world I don’t even have right now. I know I’m not, but I feel so alone. So empty. I can’t handle this. I can’t stop crying. I am trying to just breathe, but right now it is not so easy. All my positivity is officially gone. I have nothing left.
It has been a rough & busy few months, but I’m back in action doing what is good for the soul!
I did find a job in December. As of yesterday I got my license as a pharmacy technician! Two months in & still a hell of a lot to learn. It has definitely been interesting, but I do like it. One day is not like another. When I was hired, they had just bought out two other pharmacies. That is a crap ton of people to take on. Another thing is that we are currently short staffed. Fortunately, I do like everyone that I work with. They are nice & definitely helping me learn everything, well at least the basics for now.
After getting the ‘having a new job’ in routine, it was time for me to start working on the next hurdle I had to face. It is a scary one, but it is the one thing standing in my way of complete happiness. It is something I have zero experience with & in no way was ever prepared for such. Hell, I am not even comfortable talking about it. I am not sure how to say it other than being blunt.
Falling in love is easy. Marrying said person is easy. What happens when that love starts to fade right before your eyes? There is no ‘how to’ or rule book to help. You marry a person because you love and accept them as a whole. What happens when that person starts changing, but not changing in a good way? What happens when you start losing that person you are in love with?
First, it takes being honest with yourself. It was not at all easy to think about, but I needed to be able to pinpoint when & how it started happening. Yes, I had kept quiet trying to put together my thoughts & feelings. I did not want to hurt him. I was holding out hope for what I was thinking at the time was a ‘phase’. I was not facing reality, my reality. I was scared & I still am. Little by little I started to put the pieces in my mind together, but this puzzle is no where near complete. I finally began to be honest with not only myself, but the one person it pertains to.
As I started putting the pieces together, I was open to him about it. It was so damn hard & heartbreaking to say out loud. Honesty is the best thing I could give. Over time, I have felt like I lost the man that I fell in love with. Some people change, yes, but how do you confront the ones that have changed for the worst. Over the past month or so, there have been countless words, tears, & fights. It sucks for sure, but tiptoeing & silence would be getting us no where. I try to give time & space, but how long am I going to continue to be unhappy. I can only take so much of the silence. That is basically not responding to anything so that we can improve. With no sign of change, I have definitely asked if this was a thing that he even wanted to work on. Of course, the answer was yes, but it was and still is so hard to believe when nothing has changed. It becomes hard to focus on anything. It is also awkward when we are both home together, but it does not feel like we are together at all. Sometimes I just do not know what to do, or say. With my new job, I work varying hours, so there are days when we really only get a glimpse of each other. When we do get that time together, I think it is a great opportunity to talk & work on us.
No one wants confrontation, but the act of communicating is needed. It does not have to turn into a fight every single time. The thing is, it just gets so frustrating while facing facts. More so when the other person does not see or understand your side of things. Communication is where we have always flawed. I have been working on that more than anything, so that my actions & feelings are expressed thoroughly.
I am done hiding. I am trying & I am not one to give up until I have tried everything. The thing is, I cannot be the only one. It is kind of like I am in the middle of a dark forest. I have no idea what lies in front of me, but I have to keep moving to survive. Unfortunately, it feels like I am running on cruise control because the fight has brought me so down. How many more options do I have? How much longer do I have to wait for answers? Checking out has never been something I wanted to do, but what can you do when you have exhausted yourself?
“Failure will never overtake me if my determination to succeed is strong enough.” Og Mandino
I haven’t felt completely like myself lately. I haven’t posted or really even written anything in awhile. It’s really weird & I guess I just haven’t felt like it. There’s been nothing major happening or I just haven’t been inspired or motivated enough.
One thing that mom has always told me is to never lose myself. These past couple weeks, I’m pretty sure I have lost something in myself. I’ve gone back & forth with being depressed. Probably because I have no real responsibilities. I am also not sleeping great. I’m up until the A.M. & only sleep for about 4 hours. It’s like my mind is shut off, but also on full power at the same time. Yoga also is not apart of my daily routine right now. I mean it was something I was super pumped about bringing back into my life, & I just stopped. If you were to ask me why, I would not have an answer. I really don’t because I’ve been asking myself that question & trying to figure out how to get back to me. It feels like I’m giving up at times & at others I’m fighting like hell.
I have been jobless for over a month now. Still nothing. I am officially resorting to apply anywhere. I honestly just need to start earning money. I think the fact that I don’t have a job or that no one has hired me is hitting me hard. I mean it makes sense. This is not making me feel great about myself. It’s bad for the ego here, people. Sometimes it makes me think that I am not good enough or qualified enough to even answer phones. Deep down I know that I can do it & I am a great employee. I guess I’m just waiting for someone else to think/see that, too.
This is all effecting me in not only a job sense, but in a personal sense. I cannot get myself motivated to anything at all. I mean lately I’d rather sit on the couch & watch Netflix all day. Binge watching chick flicks or continuing watching Grey’s Anatomy for the fifth time. So I tell myself that if I accomplish at least one thing per day then I’m still okay. Even if that includes just cooking dinner. As the days go on, I’m struggling with just doing that. I tell myself that I am more than this, that I am better than this, but it’s all just words in my head. I want to think that there’s some secret lesson in this. Unfortunately, I am just not seeing it.
I need to find my motivation again. I am determined to find it again. It is hard now & it is going to continue to be hard, but eventually I will be my 100% self again.
When I find something that I like, I stick to it. I will try something every now & again, but if I don’t like it the first try then I’m just not going to. I’m not one for fruity stuff. If I’m drinking then it’s for the alcohol itself.
Tequila. Feel the burn! It’s for sure the top dog. The favorite for having tequila is margaritas. I have always loved margaritas. My go-to is strawberry. If that’s not an option then it’s either mango or the regular kind.
Wine. My love for wine hasn’t been present forever. I had tried some here & there, but nothing really ever stuck. Until a friend had me try Pink Moscato! That was it. I drank that for a year or so. Earlier this year I became part of a “wine club.” I pay $60 a month & this company ships me 4 bottles. I mean 4 bottles of wine a month, who can deny that. Hell yeah! It’s all from California. You can go online and choose which wines you want shipped, or they will send you some that are recommended based on what you have ordered in the past. So far they have done good. On occasion I may or may not drink a bottle in one setting, but that’s okay. I’m still going to have 3 bottles left, & that’s if I finish all 4 bottles the month before. I like my 1 glass of wine a night. Sometimes I don’t have any, & sometimes I have more than 1 glass. Depending on what I’m feeling. Now getting 4 bottles a month, I need storage to keep them in. My brother-in-law also gave me 2 pictures of wine art when we first moved into the house. I got to thinking, & I came up with doing a “wine wall.” I had bought my wine holder on Amazon. (Thank goodness for Amazon!)
Beer. It was my first drink. Some hate it, but I am one for it. Going out to a bar & drinking it is much cheaper then my ‘fancy’ liquor loving friends. Ha ha. I’m sorry, but I do not think beer tastes like piss (although I’ve always wondered about the people that have that opinion.) Mom had introduced me to the good stuff. Coors Light. I’ve had others, but once again, when I find what I like I stick with it. I used to love Strawberritas. I drank them all the time, so I guess I just got burnt out on them. I haven’t had one in a long time.
Vodka time. It is not my first choice by all means, but Mikaela doesn’t do tequila so when we drink together it’s what we get. In other words, I had to learn to like it. Cranberry vodkas are when I get when I go out. It’s my go-to bar drink. It’s not that expensive plus I love cranberry juice. Just like any other drink, a bartender will either have it taste just like cranberry juice or vodka. Of course, I wish for the later. If I’m paying for the alcohol, just give it to me. Since I drink vodka when we go out out, unfortunately, when we do shots it’s always vodka. I know better than to mix my alcohol. It took me awhile to get ahold of the taste, but I will never like flavored vodka. Bleh. It’s better just to mix it with something.
I do not like dark liquor. I can hate it because I have tried. There’s just something about it all that literally doesn’t sit well with me. I swear this all makes me sound like an alcoholic, but I’m really not. The only times I drink, besides the glass of wine at home, is when we have girls night or go out.